she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
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