Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
