Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
