Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
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