people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
