I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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