i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
