Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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