so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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