Soap is not a condiment
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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