when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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