The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
