I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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