I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
