She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize