I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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