Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He better not be in your backpack
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
