i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
