i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
