ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize