im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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