bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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