So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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