you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
