Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
