I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
