i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Randomize
