I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
