Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
