He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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