Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just had sex bonerless
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
