Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize