Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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