My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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