Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
