Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I need a burrito and a hug.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
