I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
