I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
