she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
