I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
