did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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