You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
