we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
