This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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