If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
