So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize