Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Randomize
