and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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