I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
