I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
