My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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