Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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