At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
