i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize