My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
