There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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