somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
