I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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