I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
