i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize