I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
